My Autograph Book!

My last few days at KGP

One more brand new day. I spent the night awake on badminton, canteen, and crazy facebooking and having fun. For these mornings are gonna be less forthcoming as time passes, for I'm worried that once we gulp down the next few days left here in the nervousness of the stupid exams and project presentations that will ensure us getting kicked out of here, for after maybe a few days, I wont have people barging into my room every 10 minutes to check which game I'm playing or which movie I'm watching, or to take me out to play badminton or drink.

I so want to get out, start taking pictures, collect autographs, give gifts and say proper goodbyes to most people I'll never see again in my life and yet have mattered to me at some point through the journey. But then I'll have to accept that I'm ready to leave. And I'm just not willing to do that yet.

My last few days at KGP - Intense, Emotional, but most of all, Frightening and full of Hope.

Oracle KoffeeKonnekt at IIT Kharagpur

29 March 2011 is one beautiful day. I've been informed that Oracle, the company I've been recruited for, was organizing a get-to-gether inside campus for students who have been selected this academic session. I've been excited all day and the event was all but disappointing.
Mr. Amitabha Samantha, senior manager, oracle, was a funny, practical and inspiring man. He spoke with great command about his experiences as an experienced member of the IT sector. Told us that most of us would be recruited to bangalore and would be joining in June this year. I was happy to learn that most of my work in financial services would be problem solving and I was not expected to compete with hardcore programming geeks. Students were enthusiastic and Mr. Amitabha shared insights about server technology and other forms of Oracle. All of us were given a T-shirt as a welcome gift to Oracle.
Most of all, what we liked was his open frankness and free mingling among us as if he was one of us. He took us out to dinner and shared his marital life, his social life, how he drinks, travels abroad, his college experiences, and how he made several decisions in his professional life as part of oracle. It was a fun evening and for what I've expected, it was worth it.

2nd August

Today is Reddy's birthday. Today I somehow miss my dad. I wish I could talk to him once. Go through my life with him. Just tell him what's going on and listen to what he has to say, take some advice from him. Everything around is getting more and more artificial.
So many important decisions to be taken, career decisions. Kind of feels like this is the twist in life I have been warned about since my childhood. May be it would have made me feel a little better if you were around. Somehow today I miss you probably for the first time in a long long while. I wish I were as dedicated, intelligent, disciplined and dutiful as you. Do watch over me. Miss you dad.

Long time no blog

Today is not a day worth remembering to the date, but it wasn't any ordinary day. KGP life is changing. Maybe its because I'm seeing my future in this place. The inception of my final year at kgp isn't actually happening as planned. Infact there wasn't any plan. Things are happening as per the demand of the situation.

It was the convocation yesterday. Friends received their respective degrees. A jubiliation on their minds. Fab! Some experience.. I guess. While one part of my mind wonders I'm gonna miss them, other part shouts, 'you won't have that much f'in time dude!'. So many things to do, rumors have it that I'd most probably burn my ass out by the end of next 5 months. Wonder how they did it. (o.O)

These days I'm staying in constant touch with few of these aunties and uncles (as I would address them :D ), knowing how their life is after college. They say its busy. They say they're networking, working their ass off, no leaves, only one movie in the whole week (eeks!), awesome friends, they're dancing, hip hop-ing , shopping and more blah blahs. (good for them :PP)

Today while I was cycling by on a humid night on kgp roads at 1:30, all I see is couples holding hands walking nearby the insti, groups, depmates, hallmates, drunkmates, all spending and savoring their last few moments together at kgp in their cozy little spaces in some corner of the campus, the GolC, VGSOM, Bidhan Chowk, opposite SN, JCB canteen and where not. I mean its seriously here.. the last time, yet again for once and all. (and btw that IS some sight!!)

And in the midst of all this, I can't help notice that my psyche is changing. My attitude in this environment is changing gradually to that of a non-chalant, i-don't-care person. I'm drinking a lot of soft drinks- Sprite, Mirinda, Fanta, Limca (all courtesy Satyakam!). I'm shopping a lot spending money recklessly (:O :|). And mostly a stupid maturity that is killing my head. A maturity that is making me see through things, making me lose the fun out of it. But not the maturity that actually helps, the kind which makes me punctual and responsible and all that my mom prays for. (too much coverage I guess.. uff)

After a bottle of Dew at JCB, I was back in room some 15 minutes ago, and I felt compelled to blog today. Today was definitely no ordinary day @ KGP.

I will

I have a new problem. If I was to hear out myself as a third party, I'd actually not care. I'd say shut the fuck up. You don't have a problem here, you're just imagining. But I feel deep in crisis here. I'm sucking more than ever. Maybe its my nature to feel I'm sucking. Maybe that is how I keep things in order. I just need someone's support. Someone who I can trust in and find peace in. Even if not that, I need one single break. Some place to start with. I'm an achievement too late waiting to be achieved. I've got to make things work. This is crisis. :(

Currently playing: Jashn-e-Bahara

Conflict of Legends

1) Do it or Don't do it.
2) Do it. Fail once. Fail again. Fail better. Succeed.

New Year Resolutions (courtesy, vibsy)

Life is lost. Hell that has become my catch line these days. Let’s keep this part less depressing. Bokud dada suggested New Year resolutions (as big as possible). Let’s see.
1) I don't want to be turning all laila majnu about reddy leaving iit and stuff.
2) As ever, I have to improve my CG and this seems promising this time. This in fact is long due to be true. It'll happen this time. (yeah, lets kick ass) Mark my words.
3) I HAVE TO bring down my fat. This invariably has remained a fairy tale since my 11th class. :( Have to make it true atleast this time.
4) Is something that is out of my hands. It is in hands of a certain someone who will never make a move, and will never let me make a move and all I can do is hope I have sufficient time ( as in all time in the eternity) to make things work and finally make something happen in like next lifetime. (Good luck with that).
Coming again, there are more specific goals.
1) Starting with Jan, I need to confirm that I get DAAD scholarship successfully and I fly away Germany in Summer. (Damn! I wanted to spend more time with reddy :( ).
2. I want to learn JAVA, Python (and every other arbit programming language that will improve the weight of my resume).
3. I want to clear CFA (though the feeling is not strong yet, something tells me I'm gonna find a real need soon enuf.).
4. I want to stay physically fit. I have to do something before its too late. God why am I so lazy :( .
5. I have to trim out my long pending project with Prof. UC Gupta lest he starts taking out his vengeance on me. Quickly wrap up his project and get over the whole damn fucking thing asap. The guilt associated with this stuff is already killing.
6. I've lost a big deal of friends in last one year. I don't have many people to list as my favorites from kgp. Infact there might be a select 10. Life sucks when you lose friends. That is the last thing I want to do this year. I don't want to hurt anyone. Give all my friends opportunity, forgiveness and hope to be the best I can with them.
7. I want to fulfill all my responsibilities as a son. Well I've got one more year to get there. But, the least I can do is stay career oriented, Try to stay physically fit and give some peace to my mom's already worried life. I want to find a job right here in this place and settle down here. I don't want to go anywhere else. I belong here. (at least that's what I think for now.)

God, I've neglected you for so long. Systematic ignorance and laziness has brought me to a stage where I prefer not to take bath cause I'd have to spend time with you if I took a bath. From service to duty to obligation, I've brought down your worship to a stage where I can't recuperate all by myself. I hope to offer a better piece of myself some time later. Please help me get there.

May 2010 be a lot better year than 2009. May I find peace with myself. Peace with my surroundings. Peace with people I work. Peace with people I like.

Is this the case with (1) everyone. (2) few. (3) none.

Words are getting superfluous. Empty talks are ruling my life. This is a night out. This is a victory in a game of aoe 1 on 1. This is a nightmare. I can't see where this is leading. Life has proved time and again that my heart rules over my brain to a sufficiently magnanimous extent. And my heart on impulse happens to be 60% predictable, routine, and illogical. Brain is something that keeps switching on and off. You need to remember that there is something called brain. Plug it in. and switch it on!
More than half the classes in this sem already bunked. Misery all over. Still in dark about internship next year. A Things-to-do list that is sitting pending since weeks. Big flabby tummy and biggest of all, the pretentious, artificial loathing of "I'm not doing anything. I fear where my life is leading". Sometimes, I wonder is this really the case with most people around me. (They keep assuring me that its the same with everyone though I doubt their honesty in that revelation.)
My room is a mess. My schedule is a mess. I never do most of the useful and relevant things I want to do.
Perhaps, I should start listening to myself. Keep reminding myself that I got a brain. I need to listen to my brain at times. I need to follow a schedule like the good guys in fairy tales do. Attend all classes like few morons do. Be a geek for some time. Do things like revision, solve question papers in free time, visit the library twice a week, prepare for any exam, and get jeered by the peers that see me doing any one of these. Perhaps, then I will find peace. Peace that will help me enjoy this worthless game of aoe without any guilt, full of satisfaction, of raping enemies.
Its high time I resurrected my intelligence, the agility, the articulacy, the precision, the retention and all that will make me happy for myself. Follow the brain for once. This is all to the bloody, pissy self loathing. World has bigger problems than mine. I'm getting involved in something bigger. I need to realize stuff.

Currently Playing: Dance of death, Iron Maiden

\m/

Everyday I want to fly stay by my side...
Everyday I want to dream stay by my side...

Every morning I wish I could just play....
Wish the mornings would just stay...

PS: Google Tasks rock

currently playing: Oy! Oy!

Yes I made it

Yes, the answer to the previous post is yes. I'm leaving Pune tomorrow. I finished my report today. My prof. kind of okay's the report. But the big part is, I'm gonna miss a few people here. I'll miss Boyya, Simha, Mahesh, Shreyas, sandwiches, swimming pool, bus rides, printouts, girls, and prof. I'm not sure whether I still think of this place as I used to think of it a few days back- a damn fucking place. This place has taught me hell lot of things and I owe this place a big one for that.

PS: This blog took birth in this very building nearly 2 months back. In a way, this place took me to blogging as well.

Cheers to the Summer project
Cheers to the 10grand bucks
Cheers to my mom's saree and all the independence I've had here.

7:36 PM,
Library,
IISER, Pune

Heart over Head

A silent contemplation
A life time of memories
on how much of a loser I've been
on how many friends I've lost and still counting
on why ego gets better whenever bridging an old gap
on why shy gets better when making a new path
on why there are so many random thought currents
that they can't even merge to make a poetic justice

A conscious introspection
A turbulence of daily routine
on how many activities have been planned on and left half done
on how involuntarily they have been planned
on how much effort is being made and with what sincerity
on why I'm obsessed about completing the task rather than enjoy it
on why I don't remember how much money I've spent today
on why the intensity of introspection is so much
that there is pain until I drain it as ink on my paper

A calm observation
A mild thrust of driving force
on how much has been achieved
on how many people have smiled because of me
on how many people care to make me smile
on how much I value what I've learnt past one year
after I thought I had learnt enough the year before
on how many good things life holds in store
that you can't wait to keep going non-stop.

About KicK

Kick, a telugu movie I watched yesterday, is a proper mass masala punch movie with sequences that are utter crap. Yet, the movie leaves you with a nice "kick" at the end of the day cause its all about screwing things up to increase the excitement in the proceedings. In my case, I didn't have to do much to screw things up, but I'm on the receiving end of the excitement right now.
A revenge in waiting, A project report in waiting, An eager prof in waiting, An eager mother in waiting, and I've got a deadline of 10 days for the rest of my project which I'd consciously say isn't enough, infact is insane. Yet, there is a kick in achieving it right now. Let's see if this ends well.(it has to anyway, there's no other go. Shtillll....). Let's see.

Hoobastank Power Lyrics : Don't tell me !

Don't tell me that you are ready to change.
Don't tell me that from now it won't be the same.
It doesn't matter, 'cause at the end of the day,
It isn't what you say, it's what you do!

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

What you say will be forgotten someday.
What you do will be remembered.
Empty promises always fade away.
What you keep will last forever.

Don't tell me you'll make things better for us.
Don't tell me that you're some one I can trust.
It doesn't mean a thing to me just because,
It isn't what you say, it's what you do!

Your actions will speak louder than you!

What you say will be forgotten someday.
What you do will be remembered.
Empty promises always fade away.
What you keep will last forever.

So show me that you really figured it out.
And show me everything that you are about.
But if you can't then you should just shut your mouth!..

'cause I don't care what you say or what you do,
You can't take back what you've put me through.
Your actions will speak louder than you!..

What you say will be forgotten someday.
What you do will be remembered.
Empty promises always fade away.
What you keep will last forever.

What you say will be forgotten someday.
What you do will be remembered.
Empty promises always fade away.
What you keep will last forever.

What you keep will last forever.

What you keep will last forever.

Forever...

My first salary!

sumfel@ias.ernet.in
to me

show details 9:40 AM (1 hour ago)


Reply

Follow up message
Sub: SRF 2009
=================

Your report for the first month has been received and accepted. The fellowship amount due to you will be transferred to your bank account by electronic transfer within 4 days.This is for your information.

Your report for the second month duly countersigned by your guide, should be sent along with your travel claim (blank TA form can be downloaded by logging on to your SRF account).


Best wishes

Resolution

1. I have nothing to feel guilty about.

2. I will be open and concentrate on what is my next objective rather than dwell upon my past actions.

3. I will care less about what others think of me. I will stay free in choosing what I want to do.

4. I will try and avoid any factors that contribute to my guilt. If I feel guilty about me not performing my duties, I will perform the duties and eliminate the guilt.

5. I will never turn back on issues I've left in the past.

6. Lesson learnt: Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. || Never care if people will know the difference cause you don't control the proportion of fools in the society.

Move on man

Yesterday was bad. I had a big fight with my room-mate. I made a friendly remark on his argumentative and opinionated attitude in an appropriate situation where I only thought I was expressing my opinion. I thought after 5 weeks of association and all the co-operation we shared, I earned it. He reacted violently. Never gave me my chance to explain. Never gave me a warning. Just jumped into room and started sorting out his stuff separating them from mine. I tried talking him into it and telling him I meant nothing personal. I was just being friendly. He just remarked that he doesn't care about who I am. He just said that we were two research fellows who are forced to live in the same room for 8 weeks and nothing more. Done separating his stuff, he just left the room and me into silence. I was dumb-struck. Never having received such a demeaning and hurting response. Most of all, I was hurt because I was trusting and caring on the wrong person. I will dare not imagine all the favors he owes me and I owe him. This is done. I just move on. I hold no hatred or guilt against him ( though it took me 2 hours of sobbing and 8 more hours of self loathing and introspection to stabilize myself). This person is neither the worth for expecting to come back to you, nor does he deserve looking back considering the kind of options he left me with.
I'll never turn back on him. I have nothing to feel guilty about. This is the first post of this kind from myself nd this is the first person of the kind I've ever met.

btw: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/deal-with-feeling-guilty.html
helps like hell.

Currently playing: Snow hey oh!, Red hot chilli peppers

Refinement of blog content.

The primary reason I took charge into blogging a few days back was that I always thought that if I ever maintained a blog, it would be like something. Past few days made me think I was getting closer and closer to the idea. However, it seems this blog fills in more personal space than what I really wanted my blog to contain though it actually "looks" perfectly as I thought it would.
Pretty soon, I will start a parallel blog, only for the stuff I wanted to actually put.

Cheers!

Currently Playing: Latika's theme, Slumdog Millionaire on repeat

Life today!

A 50-minute long hot,steamy shower, followed by a hot delicious wada-pav at the hotel (Pune ppl make awesome Wada Pav!) and then sit and watch a House M.D. episode.
This is what I call an ideal Sunday Morning. This is life!

Moi first love poem

As childish and as silly it may seem to be, this is my precious first(in fact onli :P ) and short love poem. Read on..

Well there's something special about you,
Whatever I do, wherever I am, you are with me.
Whenever I'm alone, I just look around,
and have a glimpse of you wherever I see.

Every thought of you makes me more lively
Every moment I think of you is a precious golden moment.
You are my strength, you are my instability
Keeping you out of sight is one thing I'd never intend.

I only wish I'd keep talking to you,
Why don't you come find me.
I only wish I spent silence with you,
Sipping world's best coffee.

I want to fly and come to you
wherever you are,
The whole world is nothing but a barrier
Believe me we're better off somewhere far.

What if only two of us were left,
and every one else vanished..
And we'd have our best times together
a blend of joy, fun, mischief and silence.